Aug 142009
 

Say you have a near photographic memory – details can be recalled in an instant and lists can be memorized without problem. What do you use this for? Well if you happen to be an Assistant Director named Kevin Koster, you use it to remember all 131 reasons David Banner turned into the Hulk on broadcast television. Sounds like a good use of the powers of memory to me!

1.  Problems with flat tire

2.  Nightmare

3.  Thinking about either of his wives

4.  Cut off from somebody in danger who needs his help

5.  Being hit over the head repeatedly with a metal object

6.  Having his cure destroyed

7.  Quicksand

8.  Being mauled by a bear

9.  Being bit by a dog

10.  Being placed in a car compactor

11.  Being punched out and thrown down a flight of stairs

12.  Being punched out and thrown over a balcony

13.  Being punched out, period

14.  Being buried in a sand pit

15.  Having a row of computers fall on him

16.  Being hit with a blast of steam in the face while trying to turn off the nuclear
reactor that is melting down

17.  Receiving a lethal injection, and then having the person say, “Oh.  I just gave
you a lethal injection.  Sorry, David.”

18.  Dropping a C02 cannister on his foot after being insulted

19.  Being pushed down a mountainside by a bigfoot impersonator

20.  Dealing with a pesky operator in a phone booth (“I DON’T HAVE TWENTY-FIVE
CENTS!!!”)

21.  Getting into a car crash

22.  Having a burning 2×4 fall on his head while trying to get the horse out of the
burning barn

23.  Being trampled by a crowd AND having the hot coffee spilled on his hand
while trying to get to the sniper

24.  Being tied up and fed soup by an elderly Japanese woman who doesn’t
understand words like “You’ve GOT to cut me loose!”

25.  Grabbing the pipe that is below freezing temperature

26.  Falling through a rickety staircase while trying to get to the drunk girl who is
about to jump off the roof, and then finding that she’s locked the rooftop door

27.  Trying to get out of the basement cage while handcuffed to a chair only to fall
over a stack of boxed bottles and have them all fall on him

28.  Being placed in a dumpster by the two garbagemen who think he’s a thief,
and who don’t believe him when he says “Hey!  There are rats in here!”, and then
being bitten by the rats to add injury to insult

29.  Having two mean football players snap wet towels at him and shove him into
the steam room which they have turned on to full blast

30.  Being trapped inside a football stadium drunk tank while his friend is in
danger, and THEN having one of the drunks hit him over the head with a metal
object

31.  Being caught taking photos of toughs committing monkey business in the
restaurant, and then being beaten up and thrown under a table

32.  Getting his jacket caught in the printwheels at the newspaper printing room,
and then inexplicably sticking his hand into the rollers

33.  Yelled at by a mean cop, and then having mace sprayed in his face by same
mean cop

34.  Handcuffed to a woman who is falling over the cliff

35.  Having a large wooden beam fall on him, and then having a heavy boulder fall
on the beam

36.  Somehow running into a bear trap

37.  Beaten up and placed on a car going through a car wash, and then being
dragged under the car

38.  Placed in a small room with a ravenous black panther

39.  Somehow locking himself in an old, dark basement, and then nearly
electrocuting himself (really has to be seen to be believed)

40.  Falling into the churning water of a boathouse, and then inexplicably being
repeatedly carried over the paddlewheel (this one is stranger than 39)

41.  Being trapped in the middle of a forest fire

42.  Listening to ultrasonics

43.  Attempting to turn off the boiling hot water for the waxmaker, only to have
the faucet break off in his hand and scald him, and then inexplicably slipping and
rolling around in same boiling hot water

44.  Kicking over a beehive and then being surprised when the bees are mad at
him

45.  Being beaten up and thrown down a well

46.  Having his friend tell the New York “syndicate” that David has their money,
so that their enforcers chase David back to his apartment, and then having all his
neighbors close their doors on him rather than listen to him saying “Please!
You’ve GOT to let me in!!!”, and then being beaten up and thrown over the
balcony into the smelly trash cans by same enforcers

47.  Being stuck in a cab in New York rush hour traffic – “You don’t understand, I
have to be there by 4:00!” – “Hey, mac, it’s rush hour, we ain’t gettin’ there til five,
so relax.” – “BUT I HAVE TO BE THERE BY FOUR!!!”

48.  Helping Ray Walston out with a magic trick by allowing himself to be chained
up and put in a tank of water, only to find that drunk Ray has forgotten to leave
the escape key inside the tank

49.  Beaten up and locked in a car trunk

50.  Receiving a speeding ticket

51.  Having Thor the Thunder God push him around

52.  Locked in a drunk tank with a crazy person who insists he is Ernest
Hemingway and then beats the stuffing out of David

53.  Being tear gassed

54.  Buried in a mine cave-in

55.  Injecting himself with the wrong cure

56.  Somehow getting himself into a bellfry and then realizing that a bell is there,
just as it strikes the hour

57.  Being pushed out of a plane at 30,000 feet by a mean guy who yells “You’re
gonna land a lot sooner than the rest of us!”

58.  Being forced to land a 747 without any training or instructions or help, at the
risk of his, the Hulk’s, and everybody else on the plane’s lives

59.  Being put in a strait jacket because he’s seen the videotape that proves that
the sanatarium doctor is performing unnecessary lobotomies on the patients,
and then thrashing around so much that he bangs his head on the floor

60.  Being stuck in the police department’s voice mail system when he knows his
friend is about to be the next lobotomy subject, only to have the police finally
pick up the phone after he’s turning into the Hulk

61.  Being stuck in a cabin that the police are turning into swiss cheese with their
shotguns, even though he and the pregnant woman have no guns and have
waved the white flag, only to have the police bullets start a fire in the cabin, etc.,
etc.

62.  Beaten up by a bunch of mean cops who won’t listen to him saying “Hey!
Don’t touch that woman!  She’s pregnant!  No!”

63.  Being grazed in the face by a bullet while running after the bus carrying his
friend’s hysterical mother, and then running into the messy, overturned garbage
cans

64.  Being rear-ended fifteen times in a row by a mean bully with a bigger car than
his

65.  Buried in cement by the mob

66.  Being showered with electrical sparks because Jack McGee has spotted him
and is running after him shouting “Hey, John Doe!”

67.  Beaten up by the rag trade mob, and having his arm placed in a press iron

68.  Being placed in a cage with an angry gorilla

69.  Making some Hell’s Angels very angry with him

70.  Being run over by same angry Hell’s Angels

71.  Wandering into an Army dump to get the deadly canister of army nerve gas
that has blinded his friend, only to be caught by a mean MP who knocks his gas
mask off and throws him back down the hill, knocking the canister open so that
David can frantically try to put his mask back on before looking up to see that the
MP has somehow brought in a crane and is dumping two tons of garbage on him
(this is an unusually bizarre situation)

72.  While blinded for the episode, wandering across an Army training course,
and then veering into the training minefield (see parenthetical at #39)

73.  Being chained to a truck while his friend for the episode has been taken
inside the trailer by the natives to be punished under the rites of La Culta de
Cabeza Chocolata

74.  Trying to run away from the nasty prison work camp, only to fall through a
rotted bridge, and then being bitten by a rattlesnake

75.  Beaten up by all the other prisoners in the work camp, in the middle of the
night while he is trying to sleep, when he emphatically told them not to beat him
up that particular night

76.  Falling in a pitfall set by the crazed man who is hunting David on his private
island, and then being stung by the scorpion when trying to climb out

77.  Being horsewhipped by same crazed man who is understandably upset that
David will not accomodate his polite requests to “turn back into that thing”

78.  Being thrown under a New Orleans Mardi Gras parade float by a mean guy in
a gorilla suit who gives David a few kicks for good measure

79.  Making the High Priest of the Baba Yaga voodoo cult so angry with him by
challenging a perfectly normal ritual sacrifice that several of the Priest’s minions
are obliged to beat the stuffing out of David and throw a cloak over his head

80.  Accidentally getting stuck in the department store that is being robbed, and
then having one of the thieves lock him in the bottom of an elevator shaft,
underneath a creaky old elevator that is showering sparks, and slipping off of its
cables, yelling “Hey!  You’ve got to get me out of here!  It’s slipping!”, only to
have the 5-ton elevator suddenly fall on him  (this one gets points for originality)

81.  Being beaten up by the thieves and thrown in the store vault, having the
vault door closed on his foot, and then having the air supply cut off by the
giggling thieves

82.  Being placed in a cargo crate with his friend for the episode because he’s
found out about the problems at the waterfront, and being hoisted onto an
outbound freighter, but having all the dockworkers ignore his screams of “Hey!
Hey! Help! HELLLLPPPP!!!”

83.  Being mistaken for mob boss Mike Cassidy, who looks exactly like him, and
who everybody wants to beat up, so that David is repeatedly beaten up for no
reason

84.  Being placed in a room that is filled with carbon monoxide gas

85.  Wandering around in the service ducts of a hotel (akin to Bruce Willis) only to
accidentally yank several of the steam pipes loose and get a full blast of hot
steam

86.  Beaten up and thrown in a closet, and while thrashing around and trying to
get out, sticking his hand in a box of broken glassware

87.  Foolishly running in and trying to help a man who brought a lit cigarette into a
room full of toxic vapors, only to have an explosion throw him across the room
and into the row of heavy C02 containers, which all fall on him

88.  Hit in the face with a high powered beebee gun, which causes him to fall
over the balcony and plunge 40 feet into the seats below

89.  Being trapped by McGee in a back room, and when he tries to  run away,
bashing his knee, crashing into a backboard, and doing generally clutzy things
culminating with falling down the stairs and crashing into a giant flower pot

90.  Beaten up while trying to keep the incoherent man from stabbing the woman
who accidentally locked David in the closet, and then having same man attempt
to close the door to same closet on David’s head

90.  Being hit by a car and knocked twenty feet so that he tumbles down a
conveniently open manhole

91.  Being shot at close range with a silenced pistol, after standing up to the
mob’s enforcers

92.  Being trapped in the middle of a forest fire so that burning branches keep
falling on him and setting him on fire, and a giant, burning tree falls directly on
him as the last straw (Different from last forest fire predicament)

93.  Being caught in an explosion on the edge of the fire that throws him into a
tumbling, rolling pile of large, heavy pipes

94.  Foolishly trying to open the door to the shed of airplane propellant that is on
fire, and then being caught in the explosion

95.  Falling out of a plane without a parachute, then being given a parachute
(which causes the person who pushed him to be told “That guy has nine lives”,
to which the mean person responds by pulling out a rifle and saying “Yeah, but I
got ten rounds”), and then having the straps to his parachute shot off when he is
still 30 feet above an empty house so that he falls through the roof and hurts
himself

96.  Deliberately going to a disco club and picking a fight with some very large
and angry men because while trying to cure himself, he injected himself with a
solution that has unleashed his “dark side”

97.  Trapped on a platform with the worker who is having a heart attack, and
being showered with electrical sparks

98.  Crawling through the sensitive, highly dangerous electrical service tunnel
for no apparent reason, only to accidentally kick several of the electrical cables
loose and flailing around near the hot water pipes so that he can be practically
electricuted and fried at the same time

99.  Accidentally leaving the laser beam on in the chemical lab so that it cuts
across the room and into the highly toxic chemicals so that David is enveloped in
poisonous fumes

100.  Trapped in a burning room in the scientific project with ten other people by
the crazed mercenary who is trying to capture the Hulk, and then trying with
everybody else to ram open the door with a jagged metal shelf set, only to get his
hand caught between the edge of the shelf set and the door during a group ram

101.  Punched out and thrown in the cactus bed so that David can thrash around
on the cactus, even though he has plenty of avenues of escape

102.  Coming to the aid of the gumshoe in the garage who is being beaten up for
not minding HIS own business, and getting beaten up himself, kicked under a low
riding sportscar that has been jacked up for repairs, and whose jack is removed
so that the car can fall on David.  Gumshoe’s reaction, in voiceover narration:  “It
was a big green thing, and it definitely wasn’t happy about something.”

103.  Being caught at the old studio backlot with same gumshoe, by same nasty
bad guys, and trying to run away so as not to get angry with them, only to have
them pull a heavy old scene facade down on top of him.  Gumshoe’s reaction:  “It
was that green thing again, and it still wasn’t happy.”

104.  Beaten up by a couple of punks under the Santa Monica Pier, who ask him
for his wallet, query him why he only has $5 on him, and then forcibly baptize him
several times

105.  Tied up by same punks and left attached to a bench press machine as bait
for the bodybuilder (played by Lou Ferrigno) and his girlfriend to find and
become upset over, except that David becomes upset first

106.  Being fed poisoned sushi

107.  Tied up by the Japanese mob in San Francisco and thrown in his bathtub
with the shower blasting scalding hot water on him (why he doesn’t simply get
out of the tub is a mystery)

108.  Having several clay pots broken over his head in the middle of the now-
burning room (why is the room always burning?), and then knocking an entire
case of same clay pots onto same head, and then, while lying very still and
struggling not to get angry, having his pants catch fire

*109.  For Dell Frye (whose hulking out predates David by 30 years):  Having
David rudely turn off the gamma radiation machine when he’s trying to turn
himself back into the green creature he used to turn into in the 1950s

*110.  For Dell Frye:  Going to a bar and deliberately picking a fight so that he can
get mad, turn into the creature and kill someone

*111.  For Dell Frye:  Having David rudely inject him with a cure so that he won’t
be able to turn into the monster anymore

112.  While paralyzed for the episode, somehow getting caught in the middle of a
barroom brawl, and while trying to quietly wheel himself out of the room, being
hit by a flying body and knocked down the stairs (what David is even doing in
such a situation goes unexplained)

113.  While still paralyzed, trying to drive a car to the bank to stop his friend for
the episode (who is going to try to obtain an immediate loan by robbing the
bank), only to drive so slowly that the big guy in the truck behind him keeps
yelling “Hurry up!  Learn to drive!”, and then getting so caught up in watching his
friend wheel into the bank that he forgets to look both ways before entering the
intersection, crashes into a car trying to cross in front of him, and gets rear-
ended by the big guy in the truck, who remarks as David begins turning into the
Hulk:      “You IDIOT!!”

114.  Trying to escape his apartment before Jack McGee finishes bashing in the
front door with an axe, by smashing the bathroom window, only to grievously cut
himself on the broken glass

115.  Trying to help his friend for the episode, the midget wrestler known as “Half
Nelson”, by climbing into the ring for him, only to be clobbered by a large, beefy
wrestler who practices numerous combination moves on David, in spite of David
(and Jack McGee)’s numerous cries of “Stop!  You don’t know what you’re doing!
You’re making me ANGRY!”

116.  Somehow being caught under a rockslide, and then foolishly exposing one
of his hands on the mountainside so that a big, heavy rock smashes it

117.  Being attacked by some mean cops who handcuff him even though he has
told them his hand is broken, and who then let him flail around so that he falls on
his bad hand

118.   While working as a cabbie for the episode, trying to get the pregnant
woman whose water has broken to the hospital, only to find that his cab is out of
gas, and then having every gas station in town refuse to give him any gas,
having a really mean gas station attendant yell back at him “I heard that one
already!”, and then having same mean attendant slam the door on his fingers  (As
an interesting touch, after the Hulk trashes the place, he ambles over to the taxi
to find out that the woman HAS DELIVERED HER OWN BABY and is now happily
smiling at the Hulk with the baby!)

119.   While still working as a cabbie, somehow being thrown into a rock crushing
machine that sucks David through a sandpit while rocks slam into his head and
hands (Leads to a bizarre shot of the Hulk being carried along the conveyor
belt…)

120.   Trying to stop the psycho from driving off with his friend only to be dragged
by the car across the parking lot, and then having the psycho yank the wheel so
that David is thrown across the lot into a bunch of broken boxes

121.   Being handcuffed in an office by the psycho (who turns out to be the chief
of police), and then having an angry mob break through the door and through the
makeshift barricade David tries to make (while still handcuffed), and then having
the mob proceed to throw him against the wall and beat the living daylights out of
him  (Somehow, nobody notices that he’s turning green and going from a size 5
to a size 9 until it’s way too late)

122.   Being lassoed by the mean cowboys and dragged behind their horses
across a bunch of dirt and rocks, and then being dragged into the river

123.   Being thrown into a holding pen with an angry bull by the mean cowboys,
hitting his head on the ground, and while he’s lying on the ground trying to
recover, having the bull literally kick his behind (and his side, and his leg, and
his gizzard, etc)

124.   Finding out that his somewhat slow friend Ricky has locked himself in a
shed in a car with the engine running, and then trying to break the lock with a
shovel, only to have the rusty shovel snap and clobber his fingers

125.   Driving into the demolition derby because good old Ricky has driven a
potentially explosive car into the derby, only to have his car bashed by every
other car on the field so that nobody can hear his frantic cries of “No! Ricky!
RICKY!”  (One could presumably ask why David doesn’t just have them stop the
derby…)

126.   Unknowingly having one of the other guys in the rock band crew helpfully
add some “orange sunshine” LSD to David’s orange juice, so that David has a
really bad trip

127.   Beaten up and locked in a storage chest.

128.   Trying to help the sweet old lady with her robbery, only to have one of her
mean friends chain him up and throw him into the bay.  (Leads to an underwater
hulkout!)

129.   Wandering around inside the carnival funhouse, only to have someone turn
on the machinery so that David is somehow caught in a rolling tumbler and
flipped over a few times and then thrown down a convenient slide

131.  Konged in the head by the crazed bible quoter in the back storeroom, and
then waking up to discover that not only has the guy set the room on fire (Again!)
but that David himself is now on fire

130.  Going to all the houses in the neighborhood to tell them that the boy in the
house next door is being beaten by his father, only to have everyone close their
doors on him rather than help

131.  Being caught in a gym by the mean guy who’s been beating up his son, and
then being beaten up by the guy and thrown out into the hallway.

Thanks to Kenneth Johnson for this list.

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About Ben

I'm a geek. A nerd, a dweeb, whatever. Yes I owned garb, yes I still own medieval weaponry. And yeah, I could kick your butt in Mechwarrior the CCG. I love video games, role playing games, tactical board games and all forms of speculative fiction. I will never berate someone for wanting to be a Jedi and take everything Gary Gygax ever wrote as gospel. Well, all of this but that last bit.

 Posted by on August 14, 2009

  4 Responses to “131 reasons David Banner turned into the Hulk on broadcast television.”

  1. [...] me to tell you some time about my Hulk stories… and by “this article” I mean this article. this was before photoshop so i don't know how they made this [...]

  2. So there are like, 2 #131’s

  3. Yeah, it’s that big of a reason.

  4. kevin koster forgot or excluded the hulk made-for-tv special movies. aside from the regular series, imdb lists the following:

    1.The Trial of the Incredible Hulk (1989) (TV)
    2.The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988) (TV)
    3.The Death of the Incredible Hulk (1990) (TV)

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